he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
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