we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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