watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
i think my cat just said my name.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
