You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
