Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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