somebody snuck up and got me drunk
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
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