Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
