Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize