woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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