I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Randomize
