I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
