you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
