I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize