There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
