I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
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You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
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I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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