if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"