I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
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Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
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We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine