nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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