already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
