So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
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Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
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I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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