i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
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I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
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I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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