i think my tv is drunk
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
