Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
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By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
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There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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