i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
