I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
