You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
