i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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