she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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