i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
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He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
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you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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