we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
well I can't set my house on fire every night
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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