as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Stone age, man.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.