Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.