I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
