Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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