Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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