Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity