I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
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Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
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Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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