you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
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Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
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My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize