We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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