Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize