We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
