he told me I talked like a deaf person
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
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He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
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nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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