It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
