my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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