Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
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I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize