I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
