I wish you could order shots online.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
