You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
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We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.