Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.