Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
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i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
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"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome