i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off