My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
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I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
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CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.