I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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