im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?