i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together