Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
