remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
